


Welcome To Dessert Bluffs

by StrexRep



Series: Welcome to Dessert Bluffs [1]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Candy, Candy Gore, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, I don't know how much, I'll add tags if needed, M/M, Organs, Requested, but they are candy, no warnings but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24074755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrexRep/pseuds/StrexRep
Summary: Don't you mean Desert Bluffs?No.Carlos creates a machine to transport through different dimensions. Despite Cecil's warning, he tests it himself and now he is stuck in this weird Desert Community covered in sour syrup and cherry jam.
Series: Welcome to Dessert Bluffs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1958170
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Welcome to Dessert Bluffs

**Author's Note:**

> This will only be two - four chapters. It will be short.

“No, Ceec, it might help us be able to find better solutions for problems the town is having. Imagine if something happens like the thing with the Pilot again, we could just look into a different universe and see how they dealt with it.” Carlos’ voice was high with excitement as he tensed at the shoulders. His eyes were glittering at his new invention. 

Ok, it wasn’t just his invention but he was the one who was going to test it out and that was exciting! He couldn’t wait! 

“I trust you. Just… be safe, Carlos. You know I hate you going into other universes and dimensions and points in time.” 

“I know, cutie kitten. I promise, I’ll be back in no time. My team is here to pull me out if needed.” 

“You’ve said that before…” 

“Cecil.” He straightened his back, taking a deep breath, “A scientist is always fine.” 

“I love you, Carlos.” The man on the phone resigned. 

“I love you too.” 

-

A large swirling portal stood in front of Carlos. It was dark, like the night sky absent of stars and completely void. It was scary. It was exciting. Carlos couldn’t wait to see what was on the other side. 

“So by my calculations, I should come out in Night Vale but slightly to the left.” Carlos explained, “Not this Night Vale, I mean, the Night Vale that is slightly to the left. Not this Night Vale but to the left of the portal.” 

“We know,” Nilanjana assured him. It wasn’t meant to be a way of telling him they knew what he was talking about. It was to tell him that they knew how anxious he was about this specific trip, “We’ll be here for you, or someone else can go, it doesn’t have to be you.” 

“No, I want to.” Carlos sighed, taking another deep breath and stepping through the portal. 

The other side was not at all what he expected. To start with, it wasn’t Night Vale. There also was not a portal behind him to step back through. No reason to panic, he thought, but a reason to investigate further and to call Cecil immediately. 

“Hey Ceec…” He started, his voice already portraying the guilt he felt for going ahead with this plan. It was nowhere near the guilt he would feel for sending someone else. 

“You’re trapped, aren’t you, Carlos?” Cecil asked in a panicked tone and Carlos felt his stomach turn.

“No, no. The portal disappeared behind me but that just means I need to find an-...” 

He hadn’t been paying attention to his surroundings but something warm and wet had just been put around his neck. It was just hanging there, almost like a necklace, but he had no idea what it was until he looked down. It looked like… a giant strawberry lace? With… he nervously licked a little from his finger. Sour syrup? 

“Hi, friend. I’ve not seen you around here before. Welcome to Dessert Bluffs.” 

Carlos quickly spun on his heels, staring at the man who had placed the oversized candy on him. It was Kevin but… He had the most horrible tooth decay and liquorice eyes. He was covered in what looked like cherry jam. On his jacket was an orange triangle with an “S” in, the same as StrexCorp from his own universe. 

“Kevin?” He started, hearing Cecil yelling something through the phone. He realised that Cecil had no context for hearing this name, “No, no, Ceec, he put a strawberry lace on me and welcomed me to Desert Bluffs, he’s fine. I think… I’ll call you back.” 

“Carlos… wait!” Carlos had already hung up and shoved his phone in his pocket.

“Dessert.” Kevin corrected, tilting his head, “Who were you talking to?” 

“That doesn’t matter. So… this version of Desert Bluffs also fell to Strex? Where’s all the blood and guts and stuff…? Not that I’m complaining.”

Kevin looked confused for a second before widening his already horrible smile.

“You mean StrepsCorp? Wonderful, sugary, perfect StrepsCorp? I wouldn’t call our undying servitude to such a glorious corporation as Dessert Bluffs ‘falling’.” He put emphasis behind the last word and then a chuckle, “As for the blood and guts, we decorate with it. Even the welcoming necklace like I just gave you.” 

Carlos stared at him in shock before looking down to the sweet that was shrugged over his shoulder. It did have a familiar girth. Then it made sense… it was someone’s intestine. He wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that in his eyes it was just a sugary sweet. 

“Ok, is this why you keep using two s’s?” Carlos asked, getting a nod from Kevin, who now seemed to be licking a handful of sand, “What are you doing?” 

“Don’t you ever just pick up a handful of sugar and just…  _ bite it _ .” 

“Sugar…” Carlos repeated, looking around the town more and noticing more and more things out of place. The buildings looked like they were made of adobe… but they weren’t. They were gingerbread. The road into town, where they stood seemed to be black gumballs squashed together, with small white cracks where it had been worn. “Everything here is candy.” 

“Correct. Is it not where you come from? Where  _ do  _ you come from?” 

Carlos looked back and sighed deeply. This was a lot to take in. He needed to find that portal and get back to Night Vale. He didn’t want to be in the middle of another Strex takeover of Night Vale and he wasn’t even sure how imminent that was in this universe. He also didn’t want to run into his double here, if at all possible. He doubted he would be in Desert… no Dessert Bluffs. 

“I’m Carlos. I’m from Night Vale.” He told Kevin, gesturing one way down the road and then gesturing back to Dessert Bluffs, “Have any random portals opened up? Specifically large black ones that lead to a science lab?” 

Kevin thought for a second before shaking his head, “StrepsCorp would have acquired such a rare and profitable thing by now, don’t you think?” 

“I’m sure they would have.” Carlos nodded, “Well, is there any chance that there might be one somewhere.” 

“We should go and ask Lauren. If there is one, then she’ll find it. She has teeth for these things.” 

“Great, the teeth thing is still a thing…” Carlos laughed nervously, letting Kevin lead him back to the studio.


	2. Amylase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos meets Dessert Bluffs' Lauren and she is just as toxic as their own world's Lauren Mallard.

Kevin’s studio was covered in jam. It dripped off the walls in a manner that made Carlos sick. He didn’t want to consider what his Kevin’s studio had looked like in Desert Bluffs. He didn’t want to think about why there were gummy bears and pieces of broken candy canes shattered about. 

Kevin had wanted Carlos to sit in the studio while he got Lauren, but this was the last place Carlos was about to relax. Well, their Desert Bluffs’ before Strex came to Night Vale topped it, but by a surprisingly small amount! He tried to distract himself by recording an account of what he could see in the most scientific manner, without trying to relate it to the guts and gore that he knew it was in this strange world. 

“The floor of the studio is sticky and coagulated, it stinks of artificial cherries.” He had noted, looking over to the control booth next, “The window, also covered in jam, seems to be normal glass which would require further testing. There is some dragon’s beard candy attached to one part, with cracks radiating out from it. The equipment looks to be chocolate and… melting. It’s still hot here, so the equipment is literally melting.” 

He was pulled away from his recording by the sickly sweet voice of the woman who had just entered the studio. Lauren Mallard. He’d heard her voice before but never actually met her. She looked exactly as he thought she would look.

“Lauren Maynards.” She introduced herself, holding out a clean hand, “Welcome to our little studio in our little town.” 

Carlos was getting used to surprises by this point and the fact she was named after a candy company didn’t faze him. What fazed him was the hardness of her hand. She moved with such fluidity but when he touched her there was no give at all. It was familiar but he couldn’t quite place where from. It wasn’t something he touched often. 

“Carlos.” He returned the greeting, “So, did Kevin tell you about my problem?” 

“He did.” Her voice had gone to that awful thoughtful voice he had last heard her use when she had spoken to Cecil about him on the radio. “Carlos, was it? Hmm… StrepsCorp would have no need for such a portal, so we wouldn’t waste our resources looking for such a thing. Such a… how would you describe it?” 

His eyes set on her, narrowing. Cecil may have fallen for that  _ once  _ but he certainly wasn’t about to. If she didn’t want to help then she wouldn’t and Carlos was fine with that. He was sure he could find it himself or better, try to get to Night Vale where someone might actually be a decent person and help him. 

“So you’re looking for it?” 

“There’s nothing to look for, Carlos.” Lauren assured, waving a dismissive hand in the air. Their decaying smiles were starting to get to him now, “I mean, sharing our resources with your world might help both our communities to be as productive as possible, wouldn’t you say?” 

“We eat candy, it wouldn’t be the best place to go for a corporation made of sugar.” Carlos stated. He kept his tone calm despite his annoyance at the woman’s words and way of dancing around the truth. 

_ “We have so much in common.”  _ Kevin replied, looking infatuated for a moment and making a happy hum with the end of the statement. 

Carlos’ hand raised to his face, just covering his eyes to start with and then rubbing them, “No, Kevin…” 

Lauren had stepped backwards, her hand on the handle of the door as if to protect it from Carlos. She was still smiling but her eyes had narrowed and turned down in the center. She smiled but she did not look happy and as Carlos removed his hand his eyes mapped this situation. 

“Well, Carlos, I don’t think it’s in StrepsCorp’s best interest for…  _ negativity _ … like that. We could make a lot of money off a portal like that one, even if it’s not from your side of it. So much money... think of the people that would want to travel to another world. You did.” 

She was talking about her own citizen’s dying for her to make money but that wasn’t particularly shocking. Carlos was more shocked by Kevin submissively nodding along with her to the side. He knew he had known a much different Kevin than the one who had come to Night Vale but he hadn’t realised just how different they were. 

He had to get out of this room. He had to get away from Lauren. Not Kevin as such. He wasn’t sure that this Kevin could do him much harm as he had noticed that unlike Lauren’s skin, Kevin’s was much softer and threatened to break each time he bent his fingers too far. There was nothing in the room he could use, though. The jam was as wet as a pool of blood and he wasn’t sure they'd care if he splashed it on them. The equipment would probably break as soon as he touched it. It was a miracle that they kept it in such good condition for so long, other than the melting. 

Then it hit him. Carlos started to suck as much saliva as possible into his mouth, getting a confused look from Lauren and Kevin as they watched his face tighten and move. Then he spat in her face. 

A look of shock and then a scream. Her hands went to her face and she staggered away from the door. Kevin just watched and didn’t question or try to help. 

“He spits acid!” She whined as Carlos pushed past Kevin and out of the door.

He called behind himself, running through the offices, “It’s amylase!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mmm... so it will be four or five chapters. It's not going to resolve next chapter.


	3. Wheat and Wheat By-Products

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos makes his way to Night Vale. He calls Cecil back to check in but he doesn't get the responces he wants.

Carlos sunk into the back seat of the gummy car. He was staring at the front wondering how they had been able to get candy to transfer electricity. How had they been able to make candy fuel? How had they been able to make the liquorice wheels not stick to the gum based road? It was a good distraction. 

He had begged a few people to take him to Night Vale but most didn’t know where Night Vale was and other’s told him that he wasn’t smiling wide enough. John Peter, you know the Pharmacist, was the one who had eventually agreed to taking him to the Night Vale radio station after Carlos had agreed to explain some of the medicine of his universe to John. It seemed the man had the same idea for using other world’s solutions for their world's problems. 

They had had a recent outbreak of throat rocks. It sounded worse than throat spiders, honestly. The lower jaw would still break but pop rocks would swarm out and there was a chance of suffocation from the carbon dioxide. It made Carlos shudder. 

Night Vale was not like Dessert Bluffs. The buildings were obviously not made of building material. They were made of bread. 

Carlos couldn’t believe it. They were made of  _ bread _ . He could only assume this was before the snakes incident and worried about what would happen to this version of Night Vale when they encountered that particular problem. The roads had changed into poppy seeds but Carlos wasn’t sure how they were held together or how they were avoiding germination. 

He called Cecil. It had been at least a few hours since he promised him he would call him back.

“Hey, Ceec. I’m on my way to Night Vale, this Night Vale, so don’t worry.” 

Cecil didn’t reply straight away and that worried Carlos. Cecil always replied straight away. Cecil sometimes replied before he had finished. Cecil was always talking! Why was he quiet? 

“Do you think there will be a portal there?” He asked. His voice was nervous, almost forced. It was similar to when he was talking about Strex before. 

“Cecil, are Streps there?” 

“No, I don’t think we bought any.” Cecil was obviously not able to talk but if StrepsCorp wasn’t there, then what could the matter be? He hoped something else hadn’t happened in his absence. He hoped it wasn’t something he could have prevented, “So… Carlos… Night Vale unbanned wheat. Fun news, right?” 

“Wheat?” Carlos asked, thinking for a moment, “As in… bread people? Night Vale is there?” 

“Yes, that seems about right. So… what are you doing tonight?” 

That sounded like very odd code. What could he mean by tonight? Was he talking about some plot they had? No, that didn’t make sense… It didn’t matter right now, he had to find the portal and get back. That way he could stop whatever it was Cecil was trying to tell him. 

“Look, Cecil, I know you can take care of the town. I will find the portal and get home as soon as possible. I love you.” 

Was Cecil gasping? He seemed excited… why? He always said ‘I love you’ when he ended a phone call. 

“I… I love you too, Carlos!” Cecil blurted and Carlos could hear him moving his microphone, “Listeners, Carlos said he loves me! Oh, my heart just can’t take this! I have loved you for so long, Carlos.” 

Then Carlos’ stomach dropped. Cecil had forgotten him due to city events before but he had not acted like this. Cecil had acted strangely but not in this way. This wasn’t Cecil. At least, it wasn’t his Cecil. He hung up before he could hear anymore and tried to distract himself by looking out of the window. This was a terrible idea as instead of allowing himself to stop thinking about what may have happened to Cecil, it drew his attention to the car with the orange triangle that was following them. 

This day could not get any worse and he had caused all of it. 

As they pulled into the radio station, Carlos ran into the building. He paid no notice to Lauren following him. He paid no notice to the citizens now staring at him. He had to get to Cecil and he knew where the portal was. It was always in Cecil’s studio, wasn’t it? Every time a portal opened up, it just had to be in Cecil’s studio! 

He didn’t have much time. Lauren would be joining them soon and he couldn’t risk her getting through to Night Vale. 

“Close the portal!” He yelled as he stumbled back through, disorientated by the spinning and sucking and wind that seemed to fill the tunnel between universes. He didn’t stay to check that they had. He needed to get to the station. He needed to get rid of this wheat-based Cecil. 


	4. Portals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos rallies Night Vale against these interlopers and saves Cecil from his snake counterpart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, 5 Chapters. 
> 
> It ends tomorrow.

The station was full of Night Vale residents. They were angry but seemed to be blocked from getting into the studio by several large “KEEP OUT” signs. Typical. Carlos had assumed they may have learnt that this was not actually a barricade, considering that they all heard Strex got through it fine, but apparently not. 

“Hi, Everyone.” Carlos clapped to get their attention, waiting until their chatter had died down before talking again, “I need you to go and round up anyone who is made of bread or pastry or really any wheat by-product. Take them to my lab where we can send them home. Try not to kill your wheat-based double, if at all possible.” 

There were a few mumbles and then Sheriff Sam piped up from the other side of the office.

“He’s right! Wheat is illegal and we need to apprehend all wheat and wheat by-products regardless of sentience and put them in jail!” They called, pointing dramatically to the door. 

“No, we need to send them home, not to jail, Sam.” 

“No, they need to see justice for their crimes!” 

“Your version of justice is pointing at someone and telling them not to murder again!” 

“Says the man who studies geology! I should arrest you.” 

Carlos put his hand to his eyes, rubbing them and sighing, “Fine, take them to jail. Just round them up.” 

There was a cheer and Night Valians piling out of the offices in a hurry. Sam pointed their fingers to their eyes and then at Carlos as they followed the crowd. Carlos paid no mind to this as Sam knew a lot of things about him that were illegal and was still yet to arrest him despite several opportunities too, including right now. 

As soon as the crowd had dissipated, Carlos burst into Cecil’s Studio. 

Two Cecil’s turned to face him. His Cecil, who was handcuffed and had one side of his soundproof headphones taped to his mouth. His legs were tied together to stop him moving. Then there was the other Cecil, who was now a giant snake. This was unexpected but not entirely surprising. He did partly wish he could show Steve this to prove definitively that the snake problem wasn’t a government conspiracy to sell more corn products, but that would have to wait. 

“Carlos~!” The giant snake hummed in infatuation, tilting his hand to the side, “You’ll never believe the day I’ve had.” 

His own Cecil wriggled and looked as if he was trying to say something but was silenced from even the muffled hums of ghosts of words coming through. His eyes were wide though and he was staring at Carlos. No… he was staring past Carlos… 

“I really think we should just have a chat about this portal thing.” A feminine voice came from behind him and he recognised it immediately. Why hadn’t anyone closed the portal like he said? Maybe they had and other portals had opened up. Anything could have happened, really. 

Carlos carefully edged towards his own Cecil, looking around to Lauren as he did. 

“Hi, Lauren Maynards.” She greeted Snake-Cecil, holding out her free hand before realising he had no hands. In her other one was a knife. A cake knife. 

Carlos slowly reached down with one hand, unclipping the toy handcuffs. Cecil was never able to reach that clip. As soon as he was free Cecil moved quickly to peel off his headphones and the wires around his legs. 

“Look,  _ Wheat person thing,  _ I have fought off a lot worse than giant snakes!” Cecil started, Carlos joining in with a quiet  _ ‘and giant snakes’  _ leading to them giving each other a  _ ‘yeah… yeah’.  _ “And  _ Lauren _ … I have kicked you out of my studio once before!” 

“Oh… Well, I’m sure you’ll change your mind when you see the bright light of our smiling God.” 

Cecil growled, putting an arm in front of Carlos as Lauren raised her knife, walking towards the two of them. 

“It’s a shame that the two of you aren’t smiling.”

“It’s been nice Lauren, really.” Cecil started, moving backwards until Carlos could slip into the control booth, “But I think it’s time for the weather!” 


	5. Who you gunna call?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos sends everyone home.

“What are we going to do? Portals are opening all over town, Carlos.” 

“Well, my guess would be that we need to get everyone who belongs in that universe to go back through the portals. Like when we had those old oak doors. Their universe is even weirder than this one, so connecting the two must be overloading the machine.” Carlos frowned, pulling Cecil along behind him as they made their way over to his lab. “Where’s Abby?” 

“She’s been calling and talking to the other Cecil. Everything is fine.” Cecil assured him, “I can go and check. I want to make sure everyone is safe. I trust you, Carlos.” 

They stopped, Carlos turning to Cecil and sighing deeply, “You shouldn’t… I cause all of this. I put the whole of Night Vale in danger. I just thought it would help.” 

“I know.” Cecil laughed, “and I love you. Call me if you need any help.” 

Carlos nodded, telling Cecil back before moving towards his lab again, Cecil going the other way to Abby’s house. 

-

They didn’t have much to use and they didn’t have much time. Fortunately, as soon as he entered the lab, his wonderful staff were already pushing something at him that looked vaguely like a ghostbusters proton pack. 

“What’s this?” He asked, shrugging it over his shoulders and holding the tube, which looked identical to the telescope extension for a vacuum cleaner. 

“It fires portals. We could only make one, though.” One of the younger scientists explained, pushing his glasses up his face, “Fire them at the snake people’s feet and they’ll go back to their universe! We thought, seeing as they seem reluctant to go on their own…” 

“That’s brilliant!” Carlos smiled, calling a ‘thank you’ behind himself as he ran back out again. 

It felt almost like a video game, running through Night Vale and sending both snake people and jam-covered candy people falling away back to where they belonged. There were several citizens that had already eaten their doubles, both this Night Vale’s citizens eating their Dessert Bluffs double-double and the other Night Vale’s citizens bulging with human shaped curves. It didn’t seem like a pleasant way to go but unfortunately there was nothing Carlos could do to help, he could only try to stop more people from experiencing such horrible fates. 

After hours of work, things started to calm down but there was one person he hadn’t been able to find. Lauren. 

She was sneaky, even as an oversized piece of candy. Carlos was constantly checking behind himself, around each corner, and over his shoulder. He wouldn’t hesitate. As soon as he saw her, this would finally be over and he could go home and just enjoy some time with his family, not having to worry about snake and candy people or other universes or anything else. 

Then he felt something. It pushed him forwards and then drew back with the awful sound of metal on metal. He knew exactly what it was and knelt down so that the portal pack protected the majority of his back.

Click. No portal. Click. No Portal. 

He listened to the sound of candy cane heels clicking on the ground, waiting for them to be close before turning quickly, hitting Lauren hard with the tube. He missed his target, hitting her arm rather than her head but this knocked the cake knife away from her for long enough for Carlos to scramble to grab it. 

“Lauren, you need to go home.” He said, pointing the knife at her with shaking hands. He didn’t want to kill her, or even have to use the knife at all, but knowing Lauren he knew she would probably put up a fight. 

“Oh, come on…” Her scarred face turned into a horrific smile, burns where he had spat on her earlier cracking to show the red candy that lay underneath her hard exterior. She went for the knife and Carlos dodged, taking one of her hands off as he swung at her. He knew what she was made of. He didn’t touch it much, but he had remembered cutting something exactly like it. Royal icing. 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He told her, walking towards her as she backed towards the giant hole in the lot behind her, “Lauren, just come to the lab and let us figure out how to get you home.” 

She looked behind her for a moment, seeming to contemplate her situation before laughing. 

“Until next time, Carlos.” 

Then she dropped. There was no noise to suggest she hit the bottom of the pit but Carlos wasn’t exactly sure how deep the hole even went. It may be too far for her to have fallen so quickly. 

He waited a few minutes to make sure she wouldn’t simply climb out before taking a few deep breaths and turning to return home, glad the whole ordeal was over and certain that he would not be repairing the device still sitting on his back. He just wanted to watch a movie and forget the whole thing. He looked back once he was closer to the Ralph’s. Lauren’s hand had disappeared but he thought nothing of it, shrugging it off as normal old Night Vale weirdness.


End file.
